Blog entry by Sam Sompkins

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by Sam Sompkins - Wednesday, 27 January 2021, 3:10 AM
Anyone in the world


So work has finally started on our house almost three weeks frigging late after being ignored by one set of builders because I have a vagina instead of a penis, and then this builder rocking up a week late because my ma bumrushed us, not once, but TWICE!

He's lucky he does bloody good work because when I went to use the bathroom and discovered that he had sprinkled the seat not the rim, I wanted to go downstairs and give him a very large bucket to wee in from now in...actually I'm sure he'd have found a way not to wee in that too. Surely there must be a point when a man is too old to not know how to 1) wee INSIDE the toilet and 2) to wipe up after himself. It's as annoying as women that hover and golden shower the toilet....

The bambino has her first cold and on Friday she gave us her first bad night/worst night ever. She started screaming the place down just after 9pm and it took almost two hours to settle her after she went berserk at having calpol, teething gel, and generally being put anywhere near her cot. The noise was so stressful that whilst the boyf was trying to settle her, I found myself cleaning the bathroom because I wouldn't have been able to sit in front of the TV without feeling guilty. I remember sitting around in my boudoir knickers or hitting the clubs on a Friday night and now I scrub the toilet to tune out my baby's wails...

The boyf and I patted ourselves on the back for getting her settled and chatted and snuggled in bed. Just as we were dozing off just before midnight, the crying started again, this time with howls and screams of rage in between. The boyf went into her room, scooped her up and put her in between us on the bed. Feeling desperate I called my mum who suggested that I suck the snot out of her nose with my mouth.... Fortunately by the time I got off the phone, the bambino had fallen asleep again. Unfortunately for me I had to listen to her dad snoring and her snuffling, so I hardly slept. Mind you, the boyf had to get up at 4am to get a flight to Majorca for a boys night out! He wanted to cancel but I told him to go as my ma was supposed to be coming in the morning and M was staying over.

Naturally my ma didn't show up (thank God I didn't go gushing about finally having an opportunity to need my mother and her helping....) but fortunately the bambino was much better. So much so that when the boyf returned yesterday morning, I left her with him for the afternoon and went to the Babyshow with my friend. Really it was just an opportunity to take the piss out of people...

We visited a stand which was flogging soft close toilet seats that had a child seat on top. As he was talking to us, it looked like he was disinterested so I tried to follow his eyes to see what he was looking at. I kept this up for a minute or so till I realised why he was now giving me a strange look...he was cross eyed! Undeterred I asked "But what about those guys that pee all over toilet seats? What if they pee on the child seat?" He looked open mouthed as my friend and I fell around laughing. Oh dear...

I made a wisecrack about getting some nookie last night but the boyf is afraid to come anywhere near me after me going to a baby show...

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